Trust Marches On

This title is semi-stolen from the Tracy Lawrence song, “Time Marches On.” It’s an amazing song but has no relevance for me at this moment. 

A few weeks ago, my boyfriend was told that he needed to either buy the house he was in or move, so he proceeded to look for houses. I was scared that since this was something we planned to do once we were married, and not now, that the house buying process (looking at and picking out) was going to be a solo endeavor for him and I would just have to live with his decision. Again, my thoughts and fears were proven wrong by his actions. 

I’m not sure why I always expect the worst out of people. Much of the time, I expect them to be selfish and dishonest. The expected response to that is “you think that way because you are that way.” But I’m not. Ok, I can be selfish-very selfish. I’m typically not dishonest, unless it’s with myself. I’m not a backstabbing sort, I either like a person or I don’t and I generally don’t pretend otherwise (unless it’s politically necessary, and I don’t mean actual politics, like I’m running for office. I mean, like at work or with my boyfriend’s family or friends, where it would be awkward for me to openly dislike a person). 

The only thing I can fall back to is that I have been betrayed multiple times by people I trusted-the usual suspects: ex-boyfriends, friends, my sister once. I have a history of making bad decisions, which has made it nearly impossible for me to trust my instincts regarding who I allow close to me.  I say nearly because I do seem to be making better choices. My boyfriend has consistently been a good choice. I do have a couple friends that have consistently been good choices. 

What is interesting is that it is so easy for me to preach trust to others-friends, clients, family, etc-but very hard for me to practice. Someone told me once that in order for someone to earn trust, you must give them opportunities to earn your trust. Which sounds easy. For a person like me, who has been not just let down, but betrayed by every person that they have let in, it is nearly impossible. 

So I have tried this, and a few people have  consistently not betrayed me, they have stuck through my paranoia that they’re out to get me, that they aren’t who they say they are. Those people are teaching me to look for the good. They’re teaching me that, while I’ve made horrendous decisions in the past on who I ought to trust, I am capable of making good choices. 

This all boils down to a question. Is it others I don’t trust or is it my own judgement that I don’t trust? 

Advertisements